life.

Jesus gave his life for us on the cross. three days later, he arose. he defeated death and provided eternal life for all to come. today we celebrate the life that Jesus gave up in order to provide us with eternal life. Easter often causes me to reflect on the life that i have been given to this point and how i have used what God has given me into the life that i am living. this morning as i awoke, i awoke to the wonderful sound of dogs, frogs, chickens and cows all reminding me of the beautiful country i am now living in. 
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let me rewind back to my departure from oregon late thursday night. upon arrival to the airport, i was oh-so-kindly informed that i was not allowed to leave the country without a confirmed return flight. unfortunately i had purchased a one-way ticket to haiti, not exactly sure when i would return. this meant that while standing in the airport, i went ahead and booked a flight home in about 20 minutes. i can honestly say i have never booked a flight so fast and without a whole lot of thought, but i knew i wanted to get on my plane so i went ahead and did it, knowing that i could go back and change it later {at some cost}. anyway, i did it and i made it to my flight {with enough extra time to pull up the end of the duck game on my computer and watch them move onto the elite 8!}. i traveled all night, quite uneventfully {aside from the man next to me being the loudest snorer on the plane}. i arrived in new york with a couple hours to kill and so i grabbed what would be my last starbucks for about 4.5 months and walked around the airport {attempting to get my 10,000 steps in!}. finally it was time to board my flight to haiti. i ended up sitting next to an american couple out of washington {of all places!}, that were headed down to serve with another organization. this ended up being quite the blessing in desiguise because i had multiple bags i needed to track down so aside from some very fruitful conversation, they were able to help me round up all my bags. i then hopped into our driver's van and headed up the mountain. due to a miscommunication {one of a few in my first few days here}, we didn't stop on our way up the mountain at the grocery store. thankfully i had brought enough snacks from the states to get me through the weekend. upon arriving at the guest house, i dropped my things and took a nap! i woke up to a message from a friend  who was getting married yesterday, asking if i wanted to go back into Delmas (a suburb of Port-au-Prince) for what americans would consider a bachelor party. not having anything better to do, i agreed and waited for someone to pick me up. in typical haitian fashion, we arrived down where the party was to be and the groom was no where to be found {turns out he was at the salon getting a mani-pedi}. we sat on a balcony and chatted for over an hour before finally the groom showing up and we chatted for a bit and then headed back up the mountain. 
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saturday was the wedding. let me tell you, if you want a solid cultural experience, go to a wedding in a different country! it started a little over an hour late but was a beautiful wedding with a beautiful bride! it is very interesting to compare american culture and tradition with other cultures. after the ceremony was over miscommunication/language barrier #2 occurred when i returned to the car i had arrived in to go to the reception. we piled in about 22 people into a 12 passenger van and drove around port-au-prince for a while dropping people off. i just figured that this was normal and those people didn't want to go to the reception. i sat next to a young haitian man and we chatted for a while {in french}, all the while the longer we drove the more i started to wonder if we were going to the reception. about half way up the mountain, i realized in fact we were not going to the reception. while i was bummed to miss out on another wonderful cultural experience, i continued to remind myself that God was using this time to form relationship and that He has a plan for this time. the rest of my day was spent reading, coloring {one thing everyone should bring with them to a new country: a coloring book!} and watching DVDs. 
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sunday {today} consisted of church, which was a relatively normal service with a special choir and everyone looking extra dressed up! the message may have been pointed towards Jesus's resurrection, but i cannot confirm that because i only understood about 25% of it. on a typical sunday, only the older kids from the crèche** go to church on sunday mornings. today, all the children {even the very littles} came to church which was just so much fun to worship next to such small humans and then we all marched back down to the crèche and spent the afternoon napping and playing soccer in the sunshine. today was absolutely beautiful, it was sunny and about 70 degrees. 
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back to today being Easter and all. being in haiti has provided me with so much time to reflect on my life and my relationships and who i am. growing up, i had {and still do have!} a wonderful family. i will always remember when i had bad dreams, my dad would come in and sing me back to sleep - no matter the hour of the night. one of my favorites that he would sing was "Up From The Grave He Arose". 

up from the grave he arose

with a mighty triumph o'er his foes

he arose a victor from the dark domain

and lives forever, with his saints to reign

he arose! he arose! hallelujah! Christ arose! 

this song is directly referring to why we celebrate Easter. He triumphed over all his doubters and He won the greatest war there ever was. i mean even the grave couldn't hold him captive. i have sinned hundreds of thousands of times in my life but because of the greatest sacrifice of all - Jesus's life - i can rest easy knowing that i will be forgiven and be given eternal life. 

this was my view flying in over the island. it is becoming so familiar. it's home.

easter afternoon naps - a time to nap?

or a time to play?

vulnerablilty.

vulnerability. 

vulnerability has never ever every been a strong point of mine. i have always struggled putting my thoughts, feelings, fears and worries into words to share with others. my goal with this blog is to attempt at sharing each of these things, specifically over the next 8 months as i am living in Haiti. i clearly remember where i was and what i was doing the exact moment i was informed that there had been an accident at the oregon coast and two of my brother's friends had been swept into the ocean and could not be found. i'm sure many of the people reading this right now also remember where they were on February 5th, 2011. this tragedy impacted our community harder than anyone could have imagined. during this time, i very clearly remember suppressing any feelings of grief or sadness i may have felt, acknowledging that there were others in the community who were having a hard time dealing with the loss. i was constantly flooded with thoughts of, "why should i be sad, when there are others who are more impacted than i am?" and "i feel physically ill knowing people i love dearly are hurting on such a deep level and there is absolutely nothing i can do to fix it". there was an immense feeling of helplessness and desire to make things better around me. the only way i knew how to do this was to pretend that everything was ok and that i was doing just fine. this became a habit and to this day, i continue to have a very hard time showing any vulnerability, even with my family. 

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some of you may be wondering at this point why i bring this up. i bring this up because i know as i go through struggles during my time in haiti (which i fully anticipate that there will be tough times), i am going to have an incredibly hard time being vulnerable. many friends, family and supporters have asked for updates and how they can be praying for me. i cannot express my thankfulness for all the support i have received over the past few weeks and months as i prepare to depart. i anticipate there will be times of loneliness, helplessness, frustration and immense fears. as much as i anticipate these moments, i also know there will be tears and doubt that will flood in during this time. as i traveled home from a wonderful trip to Illinois and Kentucky to visit my grandparents and brother, i had a lot of time to reflect and mentally prepare for this trip. this also means that i provided the devil with a lot of opportunities get into my head and flood me with doubt and questions. will i be safe? will i find a community? will i get tired of the cold showers? will i run out of money? will i face situations that i don't know how to handle? these fears are overwhelming {to say the least} but i continue to reflect on all the wonderful supports i have and trust that God has sent me to this place to do something that is planned. while there are unknowns as to what exactly, i have faith that God has a plan {sorry that is incredibly cliché, but it is what i cling to in moments of doubt}. 

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from the time i landed in eugene yesterday to the the time i depart eugene on thursday, i have exactly 65.5 hours to complete a {LONG} laundry list of things to do in preparation, say goodbyes and spend time with my family {AND DOG}. for those individuals of faith and prayer, my prayer request this evening is for strength and stamina to run a mental marathon over the next few hours and days and that i can depart on thursday with a piece of mind that all is complete and in order. 

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9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

{2 Corinthians 12:9-10}

preparing.

preparing. {physically and mentally}.

in just ONE week, i will be boarding a plane to Haiti to embark on a journey that i've only dreamed about for years. my journey to this place began three years ago and i never would have believe that i would be moving for eight months. i've shared my story. i've shared my journey. but for those that don't know i'm going to start at the beginning. june/july 2008 i embarked on a trip with a group of students from my 8th grade class to France. the idea of traveling with some of my best friends - sounded like a great idea, but in all honestly i could have very easily never traveled again after that trip. i spent the first week crying most nights. all i wanted was to be home. fast forward a year and some and i return home from a trip to Tennessee with my church for a youth conference with a crazy idea that i wanted to travel again. i'm sure it took everything in my parents not to tell me i was crazy. they had endured a dozen phone calls a year prior with myself on the other end sobbing into the phone. 

thousands of students gathered in Tennessee and skyped high school students who were in thailand - serving and viewing various missions organizations. they were opening up a few other trips to all the students in the room. my leader at the time, leaned over to me and told me he felt on his heart that i should apply. why me in our group of 10 students? why not someone else? well it was his words that ultimately got me to apply and be accepted into yet another international trip without my parents. my parents spent hours figuring what phone worked internationally {and probably spending far more money on it than they should have} and preparing a book with hand written notes from loved ones for each day i was gone. everyone {including myself} anticipated another long trip filled with homesickness and tears - yet there was something calling me and compelling me to go. and that is what i did. i pushed through the fears and doubts and God has a crazy way of working. i absolutely fell in love - not only with traveling but with God. a deeper love with both than i could imagine. 

fast forward 6 years and i am packing and preparing to move for 8 months.