vulnerablilty.

vulnerability. 

vulnerability has never ever every been a strong point of mine. i have always struggled putting my thoughts, feelings, fears and worries into words to share with others. my goal with this blog is to attempt at sharing each of these things, specifically over the next 8 months as i am living in Haiti. i clearly remember where i was and what i was doing the exact moment i was informed that there had been an accident at the oregon coast and two of my brother's friends had been swept into the ocean and could not be found. i'm sure many of the people reading this right now also remember where they were on February 5th, 2011. this tragedy impacted our community harder than anyone could have imagined. during this time, i very clearly remember suppressing any feelings of grief or sadness i may have felt, acknowledging that there were others in the community who were having a hard time dealing with the loss. i was constantly flooded with thoughts of, "why should i be sad, when there are others who are more impacted than i am?" and "i feel physically ill knowing people i love dearly are hurting on such a deep level and there is absolutely nothing i can do to fix it". there was an immense feeling of helplessness and desire to make things better around me. the only way i knew how to do this was to pretend that everything was ok and that i was doing just fine. this became a habit and to this day, i continue to have a very hard time showing any vulnerability, even with my family. 

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some of you may be wondering at this point why i bring this up. i bring this up because i know as i go through struggles during my time in haiti (which i fully anticipate that there will be tough times), i am going to have an incredibly hard time being vulnerable. many friends, family and supporters have asked for updates and how they can be praying for me. i cannot express my thankfulness for all the support i have received over the past few weeks and months as i prepare to depart. i anticipate there will be times of loneliness, helplessness, frustration and immense fears. as much as i anticipate these moments, i also know there will be tears and doubt that will flood in during this time. as i traveled home from a wonderful trip to Illinois and Kentucky to visit my grandparents and brother, i had a lot of time to reflect and mentally prepare for this trip. this also means that i provided the devil with a lot of opportunities get into my head and flood me with doubt and questions. will i be safe? will i find a community? will i get tired of the cold showers? will i run out of money? will i face situations that i don't know how to handle? these fears are overwhelming {to say the least} but i continue to reflect on all the wonderful supports i have and trust that God has sent me to this place to do something that is planned. while there are unknowns as to what exactly, i have faith that God has a plan {sorry that is incredibly cliché, but it is what i cling to in moments of doubt}. 

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from the time i landed in eugene yesterday to the the time i depart eugene on thursday, i have exactly 65.5 hours to complete a {LONG} laundry list of things to do in preparation, say goodbyes and spend time with my family {AND DOG}. for those individuals of faith and prayer, my prayer request this evening is for strength and stamina to run a mental marathon over the next few hours and days and that i can depart on thursday with a piece of mind that all is complete and in order. 

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9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

{2 Corinthians 12:9-10}