Wonderfully Lost: disconnected.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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There have been many events in the past few weeks and months that have reminded me of the distance between myself and my friends and family. I have had moments of feeling disconnected and isolated. While I've made a lot of friends here, there is something about loosing someone in the community and not feeling like anyone who can relate. Or having a tragedy and not feeling like you have someone to talk to. Or having someone you love arrive at home after being gone for months and not being around to enjoy welcoming them home.

There are approximately 3,000 miles between myself and Eugene. Thanks to technology, I can know what is happening at home most of the time. I can stay up-to-date with the ins and outs of my home town. I listen to 94.5 Mix in the mornings when getting ready and they give the weather and the news on Eugene and Oregon. I use Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat to feel like I am a part of what is happening back home.

Part of the Haitian culture is "hurry-up and wait", as we like to call it. There is a lot of sitting around and waiting for someone or something to arrive on "Haitian time" (usually somewhere between 20-60 minutes late). During all of this down time and sitting around, it has become a natural instinct to pick up my phone and check in on social media to see what is happening back home. Update my Facebook feed. Scroll through Instagram. Reload friends' Snapchat stories. It almost becomes an endless cycle. Facebook. Instagram. Snapchat. Repeat. Now I did this back home too but because between work, friends, church and driving between locations, there was simply less time to load and reload all of this and less of a desire because I was living and seeing what was happening around me rather than relying on social media to tell me.

A few Sundays ago, I did not have any missions teams here and so I chose not to go to the local church but rather stream a church from Portland on my computer and have my own church service (admittedly in my jammies, sitting on my bed). I took this time and challenged myself to disconnect from my phone. When you are at home and sitting in your bed for "church", the temptation to be on your phone is so much greater because there is no one to judge you or even know you are on your phone while trying to worship God. So I turned my phone all the way off and set it off to the side. During the church service that lasted an hour and a half or so, I found myself pushing that little circle button on the front of my phone 3-4 times out of habit just to see if anyone messaged me. Thankfully I had turned it off all the way so when it didn't light up, it served as a reminder to stay focused and to disconnect from my phone.

Prior to coming to Haiti, I don't think I would have described myself as someone who NEEDS my phone or someone who is OBSESSED with my phone (though I did use it and it did come in handy frequently). I was shocked and slightly disappointed with myself with how second-nature it was for me to check my phone, even during the church service.

Many people have asked me what the good, the bad and the ugly have been over the past 3 months while I've been in Haiti and how I feel God is working in my life. While I would absolutely say the MAJORITY of my time here has been good, very good, there has been some harder moments of feeling lonely and isolated. But as I reflect over the past 3 months, I think the biggest thing God has been working on in me is the ability to be still. To be quiet. To be in His presence. To reflect. To meditate on His word. To spend time with Him. I have never ever been good at this, but especially in the past 5 years. I've been so incredibly good at keeping as busy as I can so I didn't have to be still. So I didn't have to listen. So I didn't have to think and meditate. These things were all hard for me as they brought out a lot of insecurities in myself and doubt. During my time in Haiti, I've been forced to have meditation time. Quiet time. Time to reflect and process. Time to renew myself. This has been both incredibly good for me and super difficult. I'm not perfect or anywhere near to it and I wish I was doing it on a regular basis: unplugging and being still to listen to God's word and direction for me. But I have felt my relationship with the Lord blossom as I've put more and more faith in Him and given myself more and more to Him.
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For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Psalm 62:5-7

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Speaking of disconnect and feeling disconnected from life back home. I'd also like to provide a more day-to-day update for all my friends and family. So basically I came down to Haiti to be put to work wherever was needed which is awesome, except my "day-to-day" looks very different each day. In general, I either have a mission team here from somewhere in the States or an adoptive family here to socialize with their child (a required part in their adoption process). When teams are here and I am their "team lead", I work with them on a work project around either the crèche or the guest house. I answer questions. I communicate with the other staff here to ensure we have the correct supplies and such to maximize the use of our time. With adoptive families, of which I've had 9 come for their required 2-week socialization visit, I really just hang around and make myself available for their hundreds of questions - which I really love to hear and answer.

When there is not a team or a family around, I have a lot more flexibility and down time in my schedule. I make myself available to answer questions in the sewing women's empowerment program (though I'm really working to try and empower them to make some of the decisions themselves). I also make myself available to Chances For Children's state-side staff to be able to answer questions for them and be their "eyes" in-country. The last piece of my job is to send bi-monthly updates for the adoptive families on their child or children. This piece of my job has been one of the most enjoyable parts as I get to spend some 1:1 time with the child to take photos and get to know the kid, but it has also been difficult because I've struggled to find the right balance of informing parents of the good and the bad of their child and telling them how cute and perfect their child is. Unfortunately the reality is most of our children have some challenging behaviors, mostly due to the environment, but it is hard to tell what behaviors will continue when they get home and what behaviors are purely a result of survival in this environment. I'm trying to be as honest as possible with families so they know the good, bad and ugly of what to prepare for as they prepare their home and family to receive the new child(ren) in the next few months.

Finally, when I get a little down time or I take a little time off, I get to explore a bit of the country. While I haven't gotten to go anywhere too crazy or far off, I have gotten to explore the immediate area around where I live quite a bit as well as I went to the beach a few weekends ago with some good friends. I am continually awed by the beauty of this country and it really never gets old. I can't even put it into words and pictures just do not do it justice.

I feel incredibly blessed and lucky to be here and to be doing what I'm doing. I pray daily that I do not grow cold or unmoved by what I am seeing and experiencing while I am here. One of my favorite parts of my job (aside from writing the updates) is to see people experience Haiti, and even more specifically Kenscoff for the first time. There is sometimes tears, sometimes shock and sometimes overwhelming joy. I pray constantly that I can continue to feel this same way as I continue to live and grow in a country that has so much to offer. It is so easy to grow accustomed to seeing starving children when you see it on a regular basis. Or grow insensitive to children who don't have shoes and are wearing torn clothes. I pray to God that He will continue to mold my heart and open my eyes to what is around me so that I can continue to be moved and grow by what I see and experience.
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